Speaking of Gretchen Rubin's podcast, the other day, they were talking about their "Tells." Kinda the oppositie of a poker face, your "Tell" is a habit or tendency that comes up when you're anxious/nervous/not really feeling like yourself. Gretchen and Elizabeth say it's good to know what your Tell is. Their Tells are binge-watching reality TV and having to re-read the Harry Potter series; neither of which I could relate to. As far as I know, I have two Tells, one is when I can't decide what to wear and change my clothes a jillion times. The other is when I obsess about being wrong, or in trouble, or even generally about what other people think of me. This week, both of my Tells showed up pretty full tilt.
I had the last of a series of big dentist appointments yesterday.
And the caretaker of the ranch I live on found a pen and a hair clip in my bathroom sink plumbing which had recently been clogged which made me feel terrible.
In hindsight, I can say easily I was huge-time scared of the dentist. The last time I had the appointment I had yesterday, on the other side of my mouth, it concluded with 3 weeks of nerve pain, a root canal and then another 5 days of serious soreness. Knock on wood, no nerve pain so far, and no mention of a potential root canal yesterday.
In terms of the clogged sink, well there's not anything I can do about that now. My sponsor asked me to be real with myself about the pen, and truly, that wasn't me, it's probably been down there a long time. The hair clip, yeah, that was probably me.
"Forgive yourself," she said. I'm not positive I know how to do that yet, but there's a wikihow on it, and I know that a cumulative practice of self-acceptance will set the stage. Sometimes I screw up, sometimes I'm scared, and I'm learning even when I do, even when I am, it's okay.