Tuesday, August 25, 2015

What am I Trying to Control?

Part of the opening reading in Al Anon talks about the way one might feel without the Spiritual Help that Al Anon offers: "Our thinking becomes distorted by trying to force solutions, and we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it."

Today, I was early to an appointment and sitting in my hot car, with the air conditioning on, going over some notes, and becoming more irritable by the minute. I turned off the car and opened the door thinking what I really needed was fresh air. That didn't seem to help, I abandoned my notes, got out of the car and sat under a shady portal until it was time. The under-the-portal-move helped a little.

After the appointment, I hurried to lunch, barely conscious of how contentious I'd become. Sitting down to eat I realized I was super hungry and that I'd been hungry for a while, yep, probably since I was all unhappy in the car. 

Geneen Roth, eating-disorder-be-gone-guru, is responsible for connecting my eating with my Higher Power. It may sound crazy, but the more I'm connected with myself and even to God while I'm eating, the more likely I am to eat what I want when I want, and stop when I'm full. For years I had lots of eating rules, and as the saying goes, "old habits die hard." For reals my rules are a thing of the past, but every once in a while, I don't eat when I'm hungry because I have some sort of weird-not-true-totally-made-up-belief that I'm not "supposed to be hungry" until... lunchtime, or after 6, or after I've excericed.

I was exasperated earlier today because I was trying to control something that is out of my control: my very own hunger. I'll bet ya next time I get testy it's cuz I'm trying to control something that's out-of-my-control. Hopefully next time I'll have the insight to ask myself, "What am I trying to control?" And to bring snacks.

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