Thursday, October 25, 2012

Blow Up Your Spot

I've been having good talks with good folks lately about some of my fav subjects like not being cool and repressing emotions. When these subjects come up, I am reminded of one of the best nights of my life. It was the night I clumsily told someone I was in love with him. I knew he loved me too, and I also knew there was no way in heck he was going to say, "I love you" back. Gosh I was nervous, and I didn't know why until I played it like a totally-uncool-fool and blew up my spot. Up until that night, my heart had been heavy. I had been taking flower essences because I felt vulnerable, and I judged myself constantly for being so in love.

When I finally said, "I love you," the weight flew away. I felt the deep power of my open heart, and I learned first hand about one of the most important yogas: karma yoga. Karma yoga teaches us to give only for the sake of giving. To this day, I want to be cool, but I'm not; I have feelings that feel deep-deep-deep every ding-dong-day.

I've also tried to recover from addictions while I pretending not to have them. These "recoveries" were slow and hard. Incidentally, I've watched people with far worse addictions than my own get over theirs good and fast. I believe these folks were able to do this because they were upfront with themselves and the world about their inclinations. Sometimes it takes being a hot-mess to get a good look. Feelings might be clumsy, propensities can run deep, and judgments can hurt hard. But if you want to learn and grow, say how you feel and be honest with yourself about where you are. From being right here right now, you can do what my boyfriend calls, "the next right thing" and then do the next right thing after that. If you're not being honest with yourself and those around you about where you are, how will you know where to go? Some folks say "you gotta feel it to heal it." I say, go ahead, blow up your spot.


Luke said...

ya! Love!

Ashleigh Beyer said...

Haha! YOU blew up my spot! I was going to put this on FB today and "credit" you. You beat me to the punch. LOVE.

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