Thursday, July 26, 2012

Extra Cup of Coffee

Lately I've been having a hard time sleeping. This is totally weird for me because usually, sleeping's my main thing. On some of the mornings in the last couple days when it's time to "wake-up," but I've BEEN awake, I feel a vast injustice. My brain feels fractured and the routine is an extra cup of coffee and setting expectations low for the day. It's after that extra cup of coffee, or maybe the first one, when anxiety turns on and my mind goes into storyteller mode about what's wrong with me. Some of the stories are reasonable enough and others are downright scary.

I like the word we use in meditation: proliferate. According to it means: 1. to grow or produce by multiplication of parts, as in budding or cell division, or by procreation. 2. to increase in number or spread rapidly and often excessively. As in, the mind will come up with one maybe true thought like, "I have to remember to pay my credit card bill." And then a judgment will follow, "Money's tight this month." And then another and another...until it's a fear of something that might happen in six years, "I'll have to sell the business and declare bankruptcy." At this point, the heart is racing too.

Thanks to my years of meditation practice, I usually catch on pretty quickly that my mind just came up with a whole bunch of stuff that isn't true and has absolutely nothing to do with right now. I heard a Zen quote a few months back that I like to remind myself of whenever I catch myself hypothesizing about something that is totally unrelated to the present moment: "Don't know what you don't know." What a relief.

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