Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Fear and Self-Loathing in New Mexico

The spell has been broken. I started tipsandtricks on Thursday Sept 1st, 2011 and wrote every single Tuesday and Thursday, until the Ides of March. This year on the Ides of March, also known as the day before my birthday, I went on a 14 mile hike to a Boiling Lake with my yoga retreat. I didn't write that day. I considered writing the next day, but it was my birthday, so I encouraged myself to relax and let go of routine. For years I have tried to act cool and not be affected by a change in routine only to be reminded, every time, that I'm just not that cool. I fooled myself that I could fall back into the flow the following Tuesday, barely mentioning the skip, even to myself.

Little Miss Uncool over here has been coming to tipsandtricks every Tuesday and Thursday since the skip, shy to say the least, more like scared. I lost my routine around it. I lost my good habit of writing down every idea I had worth writing about. And most importantly, I lost my confidence.

Last Thursday, as I was TRYING to write, I had an unexpected visit from my neighbor, Lynne. She came to return my 3rd favorite book of all time, Just Kids, which I hadn't even realized I had lent to her. She asked me to come over for tea. We both moved to Taos from New York and keep small studio apartments with no pets and lots of antiques. It felt good to be in her place, drinking chai and listening to her talk excitedly. She's a writer. I told her a little bit about some of the things I had been struggling with and said I felt like I needed a teacher, maybe a writing teacher, one here in New Mexico. She was VERY adamant that I didn't need a writing teacher; I just needed to practice, like, you know, have a routine. She asked me if I knew about Morning Pages. Dude. I love my life. The more specific I get about who I am, the more likely I am to meet my people. I've been doing Morning Pages for years. I could have stayed there forever, listening to her talk about her friends Dennis Hopper and Bob Dylan, but I had to get back for a phone session with my teacher in New York, Jen.

In the beginning of our conversation I heard myself tell Jen about my mind, my enemy, menacing my writing. As I talked it out, I surprised myself by telling her I wanted to sign up for voice lessons. A huge fan of the Throat Chakra, I believe deeply that what our voices need is to be developed. Develop: transitive verb, "to work out the possibilities of." I like it.

I have my first voice lesson today at 2:15. Wish me luck.

No comments:

Post a Comment